This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.
Never thought I'd say this but I just want to go home, ice my balls, and pop a Vicodin.
At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
I'm sorry I did drugs then got really loud and bitchy at your party and judged your choice in one night stands.
When you mimic motorboating Jennifer Love Hewitt, is it really that hard to understand why no one thinks you're straight?
She's barefoot and topless screaming "HERE KITTY-KITTY" at a stray cat in the ditch on the side of the highway. How do I get her back in the car?
He's a prodigy! It would be a service to the scientific community.
15 is 15
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
we just ate hash browns in a nativity scene with baby jesus
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
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