I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.
It was probably Jesus.
I feel like he would have left a message.
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
I can't be drunk. Sober yes. Drunk no. Spoonfuls
You'd be surprised how many calories hedonism burns.
Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.
Dude, you punched me in the face bc I wasnt ordering your tbell fast enough. Then when you got it, you threw it out the window bc, and I quote, "OBAMACAREEEE!"
She was trying to drink out of the beer bong and she thought it didn't work. Little did she know there was no beer in there. Then she got mad at us. Girls.
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
he took my bra off with his teeth, THEN decided he just wanted to make out and cuddle. i don't know what the female version of blue balls is, but i've been living with it since 1 a.m.
I was eating pickles straight from a jar, contemplating doing something productive. What did I miss?
I literally forgot every French word I knew and blurted out “mange moi” so he went down on me like I was some baguette fresh outta the oven!!!! I passed out.
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
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