Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
And then I'm going to yell into her vagina and see if it echoes
he was fingering the outside of my pants..i knew that was my cue to leave
i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.
Dude you made a rodeo shot in beer pong won the game then got in the hot tub poured beer all over the side and screamed "hot tub time machine!"...
This hangover makes more sense now
Getting drunk and falling down, isnt the best way to describe your hobbies, to your new co-workers.
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
im half tempted just to scoot up to him and whisper "I'm not wearing underwear" but idk if thats a heartfelt apology
oh I'm washing fake blood out of my bra.
I NEED to hang out with you more
Also, I'm kinda hungover this morning and I need to wire money to my lawyer. So this is what adulthood feels like
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
Randomize
