I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
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Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
It was awk he was sittin on a plastic backyard chair in his underwear and high white socks in the dark watching the nuggets game
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I just came so hard I growled. Definitely found my gspot.
future reference: when you get a text that says "WARNING: EXPLICIT PHOTOS BEING DELIVERED. VIEWERS DISCRETION IS ADVISED." you always open the attached picture.
We need to stop going on dates to the strip club.
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
wait you like me?? for my personality??
I know I was surprised too
Anyway, that's been my evening- crying and looking up diabetes symptoms. How was your night?
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