OKAY SO WHENEVER I SEE AN UGLY COUPLE I ALWAYS WONDER WHAT THEY SAY TO EACH OTHER IN BED. creepy?
Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.
One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.
I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.
Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.
It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
Would it be irresponsible to use my tax refund for a boob job?
Yes. Highly encouraged though.
Im gonna go lick parts of my apartment. Good night and be ever vigilant, you never know when I'm coming to epoxy your hand to you nipple.
It got to the point where I was so drunk, playing rock paper scissors as a drinking game seemed like a good idea.
I thought he was hot. You know, in a “I’ve gone batshit insane and want blood for the blood god” sort of way.
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
