I'm taking child development now so if you get pregnant i can raise your child no worries
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
Decided to make myself tequila gummy bears but got impatient and just drank the bowl of tequila.
Eating power bars and masterbating... That's kinda my life right now. Is this what having a boyfriend means?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
My new favorite word is dickbag. I think its relevant here. And I say that with all the love in the world.
I told you that you couldn’t eat fifty tacos, you slapped me in the face, ate seventeen tacos, and fell asleep on my floor
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
