Ill do this for you.
You are a team player.
This is me making up for not putting my tongue inside you more.
Oh my god. I think I just sexted my mom...
What?!
Fwd: Ride me, you sleek sleek woman!!!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
or how I got to mom's but there is vomit on my shoes. I never thought i'd be recapping with her.
You were like pukeahontas last night, you tried to tell us you were okay, then you puked in the garden.
during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.
He hasn't touched a vagina in two and a half years. THIS IS WAY TOO MUCH PRESSURE TO BE UNDER
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I just wanna get high and take a fucking awesome nap. Those are my goals for the week.
My hot gay tattoo artist grew a beard and I'm not taking it well.
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
This is the most exciting thing since movie theater hand jobs
Randomize
