Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.
Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair
Hey nothing wrong with those! I can't believe the guys who let me see where they live on first dates. Even more surprising, I don't stalk them after they've done me wrong.
You, me, naked, mistletoe, fifth of jack, gallon of lube, condoms, Cheetos, handcuffs, rope, along with no morals, inhibition or judgment. That's all I want for Christmas.
My vagina has a mind if its own. Can you imagine if I didnt have you to run her ideas through.
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Randomize
