So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
My tally is now official: I have been drunk every weekend since 2008. Cheers.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
I pulled out moves I did not even know I possessed, our fucking de-throned gods
You were so drunk last night you thought you force pushed the automatic door open.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
He let him chew on his fu man chew. The man has the patience of a saint
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
Dropped the bowl in the litter box. But it landed face up. What do I do?
Worst way to find out I have a half sister
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
Hey bro are you still alive??? I'm sure you are wondering how you ended up laying on the floor at the foot of your bed and why there is a wheelchair by your door....
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
