I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake
yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely
I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.
I'm not sure what happened last night but I woke up next to him and I was wearing nothing but my grandpa's diabetic socks, so I'm letting that fill in the blanks.
I'm just crazy horny about you
i forgot to brush my teeth before I went over so i went to the bathroom and started eating his toothpaste. we're still in the early stages of fuckdom
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
She kissed me, then said "mmm your face tastes like it needs my pussy on it."
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
I woke up in my neighbors backyard with glitter on my teeth and sparklers super glued on my bra. which part was your fault?
Well I had to have sex with him so he would buy me plan b. The fact that I had sex with someone else last night who couldn't afford it is irrelevant.
Randomize
