Shaq going to Cleveland; Vince Carter to the Magic; Michael Jackson, Farrah Fawcett, and Ed McMahon die.... ARMAGEDDON IS UPON US!!!!!
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
When are you comin back?
probably mid next week, depending on when i finish my remaining half gallons
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?
He was my shower sex Sherpa last night. And we both made it safely up the mountain.
we had break-up sex in a port-a-potty. how do you think it went?!
Well I just put wine in my tea
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
He sent me a snapchat of him singing wrecking ball. Guess what the wrecking ball was. Hint: he literally came.
People are talking politics and I have had 9 mimosas
Our relationship is perfect
90% threatening to punch him in the dick 10% actual dickpunching
Foreplay went from me being a bank teller and him a customer to us actually having to go to the bank so we would make rent
FUCKIN BIRDS ARE CHIRPING AT 4 IN THE MORNING. THE SUN ISN'T RISING YET MOTHERFUCKERS, GO BACK TO YOUR NESTS.
Randomize
