he wants to bone in the snuggie
i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
you don't know how close you are to someone till they ask you to shave their ass.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?
Food poisoning on first date... Still rode the mechanical bull like a champ
At 2pm we are having a MANDITORY house meeting about last night. ALL must be in attendance!
I'd like to review the planning and execution of the party to determine how we hosted a naked party, to determine how we can have more.
The cop left me alone after I gave her my spare snow cone. It was a hot and humid day and that uniform looked stuffy. Yay stoner me for overindulging in icy treats.
i swear i just dislocated a hip staying still
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Randomize
