i just realized Britney Spears and I are more alike than I thought. Both of us have our parents in complete control of our lives, we both have restraining orders on previous boyfriends, and we all know both of us can put on a hell of a show
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Def slept AT the bar last night, wow that's a first!
At what point did I eat out of your mouth?
You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...
You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Interesting occurrence: the application I use to keep track of my periods and sexual encounters just notified me it had been over 4 months since you were logged as an active partner and ask if I'd like to remove you from my options. Wow, kmsl.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
Hey it's Males-You-Probably-Wish-You-Hadnt-Had-Sex-With Monday. MYPWYHHSWM
Tomorrow we start training our livers for St.Patrick's day. May God be with us.
So my plane's delayed and some guy is talking to "sparkles" he just told her to never again sell drinks from her cleavage. This is why I don't go home
I’m looking forward to our Cougar years. These freshmen know how to fuck
Randomize
