I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I think, one-on-one, Paul Rudd could be very threatening in like a REALLY good way.
I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.
I'm trying on my bridesmaid dress so that I can determine what will need to be done to achieve getting fucked while wearing it.
They called me at 5 AM saying they had a present for me
her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"
you motherfucker
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
Just peed out a window, not entirely sure it's open. Can't tell. I'll find out in the morning.
Also, since I switched back to this phone I've found a crop of dick pics and your funeral arrangements.
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
