I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Yeah we had sex for the first time last night and all the text he sent me afterwards said was “heh”
the ice cream truck is coming omgomg
dude, it's 2 am.
but its COMING
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl
I keep having to have that awkward "I don't want to have sex with you" convo. I thought wearing sweatpants was suppose to prevent this situation..
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.
what type of emt are you
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
I just had the weirdest moment. Made eye contact at the bar with a girl who has seen my vagina.
He called himself Jesus all night but I'm not sure if that's his real name or not
Only my second night back in town and I already have drunk middle aged women doing the robot around me in a circle.
Elliott peed on my floor and slept in it lol that's a one line description.
dude, next time you say lets go on an adventure, tell me if there are going to be psychotrophics involved before hand.
Randomize
