just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
do you remember how we all fit in that bathtub?
tequila
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
You stressed the importance of not breaking the seal too early... and then proceeded to piss your pants when you sneezed.
I JUST SHOOK HIS GRANDMOTHER'S HAND. WITH COCK HANDS. THIS IS NOT FUNNY.
She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.
I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
Eating pizza and drinking wine while I watch the Victoria's Secret Fashion Show. The wine is for reducing the pain of falling asleep with more insecurities than what I woke up with.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
Wanna play whack-a-mole in my pants?
Your word choices worry me.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
The night went downhill somewhere between the time I was triple fisting smirnoff and when I was throwing up in the yard in nothing but my bra while he talk to me about mashed potatoes
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