between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
We learned a valuable lesson from last night. You can, in fact, order bacon on a Big Mac.
everything was going well until edgar threatened to handcuff the security guard to himself.
Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.
the potatoes in the margarita machine wasn't the breaking point. its when he turned on the stove and put a bunch of bottle rockets on it that i knew the night had prematurely failed
i don't think they understood the house was collapsing. they kept dancing and jumping and asking for more cups.
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Currently studying Econ, while waiting outside current booty call's residence for him to return from the strip club. This is your fault.
I feel like calling off tonight. Is a strong desire for masturbation a valid reason?
And know that if I ever text "road head?" that it comes from a place of caring and not a place of heartlessness..
I just had to take my laptop away from him because he was on Amazon and had 20 Seahawks garden gnomes in his cart.
Did you take the bag w/your drugs & cookie cutter?
He's drunk and I'm pain-killer high and we're about to watch fireworks at disney world. It's gonna be fucking magical
there's people who respect me enough not to bang on my bed and i think that's beautiful
its been well over a year and hes still saying sex with me was epic
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