trsut me youll find me, im the only kanye west here and every1 is chanting dbag at me
He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.
i woke up surrounded by junior mints. not to mention, there was a huge pyramid of natty cans baracading the door shut. this is why i can't drink alone.
Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.
So would it be tacky to offer my services as a future attorney as an engagement gift for her?
Just got a nosebleed, my period and the runs all at the same time. I'm either dying, or this is the first sign of the apocalypse. You warning you in case it's the latter.
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I paused the movie when the delivery guys arrived, and while they were assembling the bed, one of the guys pointed to the tv and said "why so serious?" And it made the whole experience happy.
Every now and then I'll meet one who is talented in the art of shower gymnast.
Ps we ordered a pizza at the pool today and I dropped the entire thing in the pool. We still ate it. #canthang
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
I am harder than a fucking diamond and Michael Bolton is playing. Your move.
Randomize
