he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"
The only way im leaving this casino is in a golden chariot or an ambulance
Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.
you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
He's currently rapping every word to 'more money more problems' at what could be a over 30s gay bar. I'm not sure yet. More info to come.
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Apparently after I threw up I put my socks in the toilet......
Why is there ANOTHER stolen fire extinguisher in my room? You know that's a felony right...
We had sex twice and at Wendy's how dare you diminish that.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
