I passed out in the cab. Woke up to the cabby yelling SIR SIR WE ARE AT THE TRAIN STATION!! SIRRRR!!
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
i'm writing my speech about my 4th grade backstreet boy concert experience. that sums up how seriously i take my life.
Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.
just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....
we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning
The toilet started ringing, I think I just found your phone.
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
That commercial was clearly aspirational. I think Arbor Mist would pair nicely with Oscar Meyer
If it's up to me, I'll already have my pants on and walking out before he gets soft afterward.
I'd cum for enchiladas.
well i mean, we just followed them into an alien and astronaut party. there was tin foil everywhere
im about to go through the checkout with 3 flasks and a wedding card. let the judgement begin!
update: cashier guessed cash bar before i could say anything. completely bypassed "dry" and knew cash bar right away. i love this state.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize
