Most awkward sex ever...
And im texting you in the middle.
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic
The only thing I regret was that he was wearing a scarf when we made out.
I wonder if a fish could survive in vodka
I could
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
How do I explain to work that I woke up in my underwear on a trampoline and that I'm not coming in?
My cats name is now jello shot. How much do you love me right now?
You stuck your false lashes to your upper lip and then asked that ONE kid with facial hair if your "mustaches could touch" as an excuse to make out.
besides the unzipped fly, the black eye and the toilet paper on your shoe you looked really sexy today baby!
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