And if you don't call me, I will embarrass you publicly with a can of spray cheez.
I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.
At least he's not married... I hate Halloween hookups
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
He insisted on us having sex while watching the biggest loser and asked me if I could "resist the temptation".
She was literally passed out in a cubicle with a flask in her hand. I LOVE finals week!
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
I have vodka and explosives. For once, we can blow something up that isn't a blow-up doll.
I peed sitting down because I knew standing was a lost cause
It's still 8am.
Yeah, but its wine drunk. WITH A DOCTOR. THAT MAKES MY MORNING CLASSY.
Someone the age of your son tried to go home with me from the bar last night
The fact our science teacher from high school was buying us drinks and hitting on me doesn't matter.
Bro i just made a pipe out of a mechanical pencil and the top to an eye drop bottle. Does that make me some kind of pot god?
Randomize
