u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
Where did you get a picture of my penis
dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.
I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.
I just saw her take the entire bowl of lime wedges from the bar and pour them all in her purse, and now using the empty bowl as a hat. Waiting for security to come and throw her ass out.
The last time you said "no one will know" is when you ran out of sprite at your birthday party and dumped a handle of straight up vodka into the jungle juice.
im tired of her bring homeless men home when shes drunk. THEY ARE NOT FUCKING PETS!!!!
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
I stole something. Which direction out are you guys gonna go
just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?
Haha it's harder than you'd think to come up with ways to turn your penis into a Christmas drawing
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
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