My cock was attacked by outdoor plants
Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"
I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.
No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative
Just threw up. It looks like I may have swallowed a cigarette.
I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.
So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina
I have a theory he's part Neanderthal
No no no no no no.... That's my emergency bottle for when I realize I've hit rock bottom
She's in the hospital because she tried to steal a toilet seat from an outhouse and fell off the bank. We're gonna hang the toilet seat by the pool.
There's nothing like telling your girl to hold your pants while peeing on your neighbors door
Like real life can suck my metaphorical dick right now.
Tis the season to play Pocahontas! (AKA: Eat a bunch of acid and run around the yard barefoot, the first person to see the colors of the wind, wins!)
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
Never. No amount of alcohol could convince my brain and eye sight that it is okay to fuck him. I'd rather fuck my cousin.
Randomize
