I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
member when we used to take shits together before volleyball games?
Is it bad that John just came to my work to have sex with me bc I felt bad that he slept on his porch last night locked out and I missed all his calls?
i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?
yeah, but the first step is admitting you have a problem, the next step is kidnapping him
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
He gave me one look and told me I'm not allowed to board the plane if I'm still as drunk by departure time.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Yeah he told me he wanted a serious relationship, but he's posting pictures of his dick on Kik.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I mean, he'll either figure it the fuck out or set my apartment on fire. Either way, it will be entertaining.
Hey Girl, we got home safe!
I know, I drove you
Randomize
