Screwed.edu
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I just got turned down by a drunk fat chick. At my own birthday party. God hates me.
I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
casual night just sitting in the kitchen at 2 am eating stale chips and hot sauce while my friends younger sister is cleaning all the blood off my body
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
That was the night, like, my hair caught on fire...
I will be single by the day my lease is up (234 days). Plan accordingly.
We watched the first ever season of SNL and fucked for so long. He accidentally punched me in the face, but I mean, John Belushi was the background noise of our sex. I can deal with it.
Haha, how do I word that nicely? "You got me to the edge of no return twice and failed to let me orgasm, therefore you owe me chicken nuggets or hot wings. Your decision"
Lol I wish they went straight to your cock then shot out into my mouth like a cock nacho dispenser
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I feel like you should store your weed in something that suits your personality. For example mines in a hollowed out disney princess book.
Randomize
