oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.
Dude, 1 prime defect in the snuggie- you can't fuck someone discreetly under a snuggie. No way no how
You know i think she's just using me for sex
I hate you.
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.
We have so much sex to catch up on
So this bar tattoo not looking that great now
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I sent my roommate a text from MY phone that said, "I don't know where my phone is." Must've been a good night.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
Totes just ripped ass and the bartender's eyes got wet
Randomize
