U dropped me off n it hit me, i made it inside for exactly shit thirty on the nose, another minute n i would of had brown trowsers
pretty sure I just motor boated my professor at the drag show
so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy
man i love america
I don't know but someone, somewhere gave someone a hand job and someone else was pissed about it...
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
Mom and I are both drunk and walking around the Strip. It's like the hangover but with a lot more bathroom breaks.
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
Wound up hungover. Visiting 4 y/o nephew suggested cookies and milk and playing Kirby with him with the sound down. This kid is going places.
Because I'm sitting in a bath of my own wisdom and drowning my sorrows in coconut rum
Waking up early to fuck the hot DILF the day before Father's Day because I'm respectable like that
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
sweet Jesus, who thought 13 martinis was a good idea? 11 was probably sufficient.
I'd date him. I'd date the fucking shit out of him.
The dentist walked in on me trying to bottle some laughing gas to take home with me. That high.
He fucked the hangover right out of me. That good.
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