non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.
Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
margarita wednesday is really going to dip into new year's eve thursday
You should probably wake up already as I have yet another story for you. Teaser? Blood from knife wound. Tequila. Guitar hero. Kitchen counter. Lawyer.
everybody makes mistakes
i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
At front desk. Got a beer drinking pigeon.
Matt just ate a burger out of the trash can in front of the McDonalds. We need to have a serious talk about his drinking.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
nobody put me to bed and I ended up peeing on a tree and got written up
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
