we're chasing vodka with high fives
you said you get the best orgasms off Pez dispensers. how do you think he felt????
my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My mom ate salad out of the vodka bowl
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.
The novelty of Nekkid Straight Roommate has faded.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
So I got drunk last night and attempted to shave a landing strip on my vag. I now have a 8 lane highway on my crotch now. Just looks like a random ass square.
Why does your place smell like gin and misery?
I prefer to think of it as 'ode to single life'
And I mean really who loses their phone in a tree
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Pro: 2020 made it easier to hook up with strippers
Con: explaining to Kari why there’s always strippers at our house
Pro: there’s always strippers at our house
Randomize
