I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.
It was like my butthole was peeing. Felt comforting yet not fulfilling.
I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.
i'm not sure if i'm mentally prepared for this.. politeness? proper grammar? book reader ? this is a whole new meaning of the species penis for me.
Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
Apparently 'check out this motherfucker' is not an appropriate greeting to use in the vicinity of sitting united states senators. Who knew
Well I almost walked away with an Irish guy's boarding pass and some south guy's dignity
His name sounds so important....sounds like the name of my future baby daddy to me.
So as a result of a tragic manscaping accident I've had to shave all the hair off of my legs. The result is... not great
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
Did you get your nipples pierced? I felt something poking through my shirt earlier and I really didn't want to say anything in front of your grandma...
I wanted to write an apology letter to my vagina after that.
i need you to come over and tell me if you can notice that i'm only wearing a teddy underneath my trenchcoat
Randomize
