Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.
People with herpes should wear stickers.
Im telling you now. Hang out with winning football players and you get whatever the hell you want. Sorry to wake you. But its important knowledge.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
why is my forehead so bruised?
i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.
I just saw a wasted dude crawl out of the road at 2 in the afternoon. Big question- still drunk from the weekend or hitting the soju already?
Just make sure my intervention has a theme...
That moment when you can't decide if you should vote for the random frat guy you have head to at the beginning of the semester for business and technology senator.
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
When a guy invites you to dinner and breakfast the next day it's implied that he's going to make some sweet loving in betwixt correct?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
Randomize
