Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
We're doing kegstands for my 80th Bday, so don't lose that muscle tone.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Now I'm obligated to stay and cuddle with her because the condom broke. Fuck.
I just fully woke up, never smoking that much weed again. I had stress dreams about your house being surrounded by a lake and we kept losing our cars in it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
Well, we ended up labeling the relationship. We are now each other's designated butt-toucher.
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
The ride home was alright, we hooked up in the street next to his car after he smashed into the guard rail
So I have three weeks to get rid of his girlfriend and fuck him senseless before he goes to jail
She called and said she was waiting for me naked. I got there and she was in ratty sweats, sitting in Nick's lap, with divorce papers. Needless to say my night was shitty.
Randomize
