Hey theres a creepy ass guy stalking our house.i would look alive geting in 2nite.
I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.
I just caught myself doing the gator chomp to my tv. I need to get laid.
I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death
just went back to the bar and asked if they found a shoe last night.
The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.
I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
It was like die hard. Except with more penises.
Just had empanadas for breakfast while watching Wall-e with my yesterday's one night stand mother AND grandmother.
I'm the Oprah of jello shots
I'd marry him just to keep his penis in the country
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
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