so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her
I seriously fake cumming more than i poop.
while being fingered today, I was told I have an abnormally deep g-spot. Now you know, I am a size queen because of SCIENCE.
dude what did you give her she's eating her pocket lint
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"
Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.
Lead with your genitals is the best advice I can give you.
Dude, if I don't end up wearing a banana suit in Milwaukee, I will consider that trip a complete failure.
Sexting Captain while emailing my eharmony match about my low key weekend is hard.
It's accurate though. I am legitimately passionate about pickles. I crave pickles the same way I crave sex. It is a deep rooted animalistic need
do you remember your solution to not spill your drinks last night? .. Shots, that way you wouldnt have time to spill them. i love your drunken logic haha
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
How do I un-spend everything I bought last night? Seriously...was a penis shaped piñata and enough tequila to fill my bathtub really that necessary?
At least you can say you've literally dumped money down the drain
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