He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?
shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work
I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
My vagina and my morals are playing tug of war
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I'm still not sure if it was intentional, but the chiropractor definitely cradled his balls on my shoulder. He even seemed to adjust the sack for comfort. I think I should be flattered. He is a doctor, after all..
We're using joints as your birthday candles
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
I threw up in the kitchen on the floor and a guy tried cleaning it up with a spoon at a party.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
whoever decided snowing in 90 percent of campus on a night when the streets are flowing with tequila and skittles was clearly not an R.A.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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