sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
false alarm. still invincible.
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Just saw the stripper pole on the road that we threw out of the party bus last night
i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home
Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.
You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.
Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?
How did work go after you told them you were in jail?
Great they tried to bail me out.
I threw up vodka and borscht. I'm done with life...I threw this up in a McDonald's bathroom btw.
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Hes back in his dorm room dancing naked with 3D glasses on.
and he said that acid doesnt really do anything to him...
WHO CARES HE GIVES YOU TOE CURLING ORGASMS AND SAYS YOU HAVE KISSABLE SKIN AND RUNWAY MODEL HAIR....WHILE INTOXICATED WITH HIS BEST FRIEND. AND THEN HE SENDS YOU CUTE SELFIES OF THEM!!!!!!! WTF MORE DO YOU WANT FROM LIFE!!! DIE HAPPY ALREADY LADY!!!
Guess who just set half their backyard on fire.
Please tell me youre joking.
Nope. on the brightside though, im really gonna quit smoking this time.
Randomize
