I think the universe is against us being together. Or maybe it's just god's way of telling me there is a bigger dick out there for me.
it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
My roommate made me go home after I mooed at fat girls at the gas station.
i swear, as soon as they invent a cure for herpes, he's mine.
I put the condom across her upper lip. It was like a mustache of a job well done.
just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.
Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
I just shit my bed. Go ahead and make your 40 year old incontinence jokes now.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
He set the tone in the back of his car by blasting Marvin Gaye's sexual healing before railing me
I threw up outside. Then I peed got off the toilet and threw up. While I threw up u pulled up my pants. Not my best moment
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