You hurt me so bad and it feels so good
I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
You told my mother that her salad dressing tasted like semen.
James and whatshisface bought me drunks. I am drinks.
Or they can chase TEQUILA shots with it. I don't know why my phone capitalizes TEQUILA.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Yea we had fun. Lost my wallet some girl has it. Sarah fell asleep in a cab and ended up at some wawa. It was cray. She's home now
Just walked by the neighbors and they are definitely butt naked sitting on a bed, watching Netflix, baked out of their minds, with the blinds open.
Welcome to Bellingham.
I slept through 4/20 and my roommates bought an entire ham that's just sitting in the fridge...
Trust no bitch in laser tag. Not a single one.
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
How do I word.. " hey, I need you to fuck me really hard and see if you or I can feel my birth control. No worries, this is just an experiment." In a nice way without them feeling used.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
