Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.
i am about to cut my stepbrother's hair into a mohawk with the same clippers i use to trim my pubes. god is so on my side today.
It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.
5 out of the 6 of them cut their hands while trying to shot gun the beer, I had never seen balls attached to such patheticness
Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.
I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."
I was ok with it until you started yelling " just the tip!" I know she's you gf but don't backseat drive the three-way.
Being able to fart in my own house is like 90% of why I pay rent
It's 1pm, she's in the shower, I don't have the guts tell her I wasn't her blind date. Someone got stood up.
If you fall asleep, my vagina and I will never forgive you.
"he sent me a picture of a puppy in return for a picture of my boobs. He then captioned it with "look it's puppies first time at the beach". "
I got titty fucked last night and you're breastfeeding your newborn. Clearly we have gone two totally different paths since 2011.
How am I supposed to buy weed and pancake mix when it's raining?
Oh my god I need an adult
Wait shit I am an adult
Gonna do a few lines then clean my room so I can feel like my life is somewhat in order.
Randomize
