I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
And my dad told him he was a great looking guy. and then added "no homo" after.
She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.
If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.
The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?
Why is your name on a gluestick in a plastic baggy stuck to my door?
Thats not how it works. You get the Rachel, and then Rachel kicks you out. Don't linger or try to cuddle, its just pathetic and makes me look down on you and your penis
Exotic beer tasting at my apt right now and by that I mean I bought random beer and I'm drinking it on my balcony
I can't tell if I'm getting better at doing my online spanish hw drunk or if my teacher is just grading on creativity. Either way that senoritas gettin an applebees gift card when i graduate.
I've never been more scared for my virginity in my life. And I lost my virginity almost 6 years ago.
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
We both fell asleep mid-handjob and he continued to call it "handjob halftime".
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
What? I'll do just about anything if you give me a sticker.
Randomize
