Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
I hate having morals and standards the next morning.
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
i think you know its gunna be a bad day when it starts with throwing up into a red plastic cup
On my way home from Vegas. Just realized my pants are inside out
hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.
I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.
What's the point of bringing a Jack and Coke to work if my boss is just gonna piss and moan about me day drinking again?
Dude, I got drunk and sexted his little sister by accident
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
Randomize
