I met the friendliest cop last night
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
i just saw a guy carrying a medieval times commemerative glass filled with vomit.. there were 2 people cheering him from behind
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing
I'm just gonna clean the house so my Mom won't think I'm hung over. I'll just start with the toilet
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
Have you ever been so high that you felt like corduroy? I'm at that level.
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
While she was pissing on the neighbors shrubs, they threatened to call the cops...she mumbled 'don't threaten me with a good time", so to answer your question, yes she was drunk.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
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