Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
And don't be too jealous. Drinking alone watching a chick flick and masturbating isn't nearly as glamorous as it sounds
you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.
i told you we never speak of that again
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.
So... He's a barber?
No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?
There was booze on his face and I wanted it. I'm not sorry.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
Dad just asked me to breathalyze grandma
So there I was, eye fucking the waiter and I spilled beer all down my boobs
Found a pic on my phone from last night. You're drunk. Arm wrestling some guy. In the bar bathroom. At a baby changing station. It's my new wallpaper.
I barfed on the cat last night. Just wanted to share.
he's smothering me... and not in the good, can you move your thigh off my face please?.. way
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
Randomize
