all thats left of you is your magnum wrapper on my dresser
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis
ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS
It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?
If I have to go to the hospital, at least put my pants back on. It's been a fantastic night.
And I told him that even though were not together, if he has sex with anyone I would have sex with someone else, video tape it and send it to him.
You're the reason why I want to be a better drunk
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
I don’t mind that he’s uncircumcised. It’s the fact that he talks about the Bible immediately after we have sex .
All our friends are getting married, and I'm the dateless guy bringing molly to their weddings.
Just got my LSAT score...if you need me I'll be drunk in a ditch somewhere.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
Randomize
