I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.
you strike me as the kind of person who when they spill something on their lap they take off their pants and eat it anyways. right off the crotch seam.
WE SHOULD MAKE A WORKOUT ROUTINE CALLED BARCARDIO
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
that pic of me and the hulking football player sure does come in handy when creepy guys hit on me at the bar.
I just can't have sex in the car again. it's just too much
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
I don't know what it is about this quarantine, but I have never written this much smutty fanfic in my life and I am loving it!
Randomize
