one should ask oneself what kind of lifestyle one is leading when one finds a handprint of semen on their pillow the next day.
Spotted at kelly concert- 10 year old in a homemade "I do not hook up" t shirt. Well I should certainly hope not, sweetheart.
I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.
who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...
do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
Annabeth just got on the bar and slurred something about how she was worried that when she started dating you your penis wouldnt fit. You are one lucky bastard my friend.
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Oh god iv'e slept with this police officer before oh god oh god
You jumped into so many bushes for no reason
I just tinder matched with a blue angels pilot. I need to make out with him. For America.
If I die write a nice eulogy and bury me with my star wars bobbleheads
His butt is perfect. Like a twelve on a scale of one to ten. No idea about his personality or anything but that ass... I'm keeping him.
Randomize
