So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first
remind me to tell you about the ham sandwich empire im building
It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.
i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy
malibu coconut giveth, and malibu coconut taketh away
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.
If we go out with the 22/23 year olds we should make t a double date. I don't want to endure the judging looks of the public as I rob the cradle alone.
Licking pop rocks off a stranger's washboard abs and kissing strangers young enough to be my kid. Yeah, it was THAT kind of party last night
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
my window is missing, there is half a pizza jammed into the disk slot of my PS3, and the entire kitchen floor is covered in cerial i cant see any wood floor. did we have fun?
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
We call her skankles because she's a skank and she has cankles, I thought that was obvious
Stop watching porn on my work computer.
STOP WORKING ON MY PORN COMPUTER.
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
Randomize
