I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.
How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night
Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad
He told me the color of his piss. Worst. First date. Ever.
Hamster emergency. Can u come in here
My homemade mace ate through its aluminum container. I make awesome mace.
I am just glad I was home to catch most of it, cause it smells BAD.
I'm not a scientist but that could be because it's homemade mace. That is however just a hypothesis
I wanted to buy shoes but nothing fit. So i'm getting a vibrator.
Having to do the walk of shame on crutches was defiently a first for me. cheers to the governor, klove
There's a pregnant girl taking shots of apple juice
YOU GOT ME SO DRUNKK
i got me so drunk!
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