You were so drunk you tried to sell your salsa to everyone on the restaurant.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.
I am currently sitting on a candy bar to warm it up cause it was in the fridge so I can eat it while watching the last song and smoking weed by myself
the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes
she fell through a window trying to flash someone
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
You know you have crossed to the dark side of marriage when a nap is more important than jacking off
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
He's two decades older than you. Remember how you said you wish you lived in the 70s? HE DID.
Remember when we made out in a Chik-Fil-A drive thru?
I'm drunk listening and crying to Selena. How's your Monday?
Compositionally, that's actually a really nice picture.
And your penis looks really nice too.
He lives in a tent in my ex'd backyard. Why the fuck would you want any of that dirty dick?
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