But if ***** wants to get filthy... Tell her to throw a text my way ;)
Wow that girl who lives a couple houses down is going out wearing butterfly wings a skirt and fishnets
He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
He said I was almost as good as the wheel chair sex he had the night before. Apparently I just cant compete with 4 wheels
I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
It's amazing how hard it it while drunk to not comment "fuck you" on dumb peoples' statuses
I'm never going to adult. I'm staying a child. The only thing related to adult that I want to do is you.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
I don't think Buddha would recommend a sexscpade across Mexico
I know you're here! I can hear your phoneeeee. Wake up and do illegal things with me.
Can I come over?
Sorry I gave up dick for lent. Hit me up on Good Friday tho
Randomize
