thats the only time ive ever had sloppy firsts
You cant give me a fifth of god damn jim beam and expect me not to cheat on my gf.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
they wouldn't let me take the pitcher of beer on the ferris wheel
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.
Opening beer with my teeth is getting easier the drunker I become.
It turns out my teeth are bleeding.
You should have seen the pharmacists face when I paid for my inhaler refill and a box of condoms.
He fucked me so hard my nail polish actually chipped. I'm keeping him.
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
it's unicorns you uncultured swine
I'm sorry that you wanted to get laid and I all I did was play with your new cat instead.
He got up after sex and said "is it wrong if I say happy Mother's Day?"
Btw I'm playing passed out so you can get laid but obviously you need to take the offense just ask him if he wants to go to bed and leave a cigg on the counter
He started humming a moment like this when I was taking off his pants.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
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