wtf. i just found you're porn stash.
u like it?
NOT THE POINT.
He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.
Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?
He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA
also bought condoms to give away to people who look like they're about to make a bad halloween decision. I'm like a fairy.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
Ugh. Lets go crawl into a dairy-gluten-chlamydia free hole somewheres.
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Does sweetest day count when you're spending it with your fuck buddy, high and eating Pizza Hut?
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
Did we actually play with swords last night or did I dream that?
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
Randomize
