just come out here and I will go home with you...
man i wonder what i would be like if i had never started smoking weed
Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.
Can I use you as a job reference? Don't tell them i got you fired cause I banged you tho
Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?
She just drank the vanilla extract. Again. AGAIN. No one should be that eager to get drunk.
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
he said something along the lines of "fish can smell fear"
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.
life lesson #151: dont let people go batshit crazy and stab you in the knee
i will live by this rule
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
how did you set a fucking salad on fire????????
Something like; Dear Cupid, when are you going to send me someone to date that isn't a complete psychopath
Randomize
