Theres puke in my trash can and spilled beer next to my bed... come get your girlfriend
Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
the bulge in his pants is not junk. its hair. trust.
Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...
We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.
how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.
They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.
We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES
And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.
Must've forgot to hang up with her when I was telling Josh I plan to pop champagne if I nail her tonight. She showed up with a bottle and said "only if we can toast it with Josh"
You threw up a gallon of vomit. I really have never seen anything like it in my decade of partying.
I asked for a cup of water. They gave me tequila. They WANT ME TO DIE
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
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