i just ordered a pitcher of margaritas for me and a friend but she called and canceled. oh well, looks like im getting trashed alone.
the waiter who hardly speaks english told me "i go get your medicine now"
this medicine is soooo good.
I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.
A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.
I'm challenging a 70 yr old alcoholic woman who is half my size tonight. Wish me luck
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
Please just tell me how ugly she was so I can bask in the diminishingly small reassurance that might give me
It was a taxi full of fist pumps and chanting to "face down, ass up". It was that 1% that makes my job worth it.
preface to our conversation: my vagina hurts.
Just considered playing a drinking game with powerade with my sister so she would get some fluids in her. I do so well with sick people.
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
She loves introducing her friends to my foreskin.
I'm not allowed to have sex with him again. My vagina joined in on the protest. There was a petition. All my body parts signed it.
At least I got steroids and a baguette out of the deal
A log hopped out of the fireplace and caught the carpet on fire. Good summary of this election if you ask me.
It's official cum is not a great leave in conditioner
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