He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked
I don't even want to think about the kind of person who would shit in the street before 10pm on a Sunday.
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
We boned on a bench in a park, french people were walking by cheering us on. Totally acceptable
She finally pulled over after almost hitting 4 cars and a semi and asked me if i was rwady i told her to let my penis to come back out
Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
There's times when I just want to bottle my farts for later they're so insane.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I just turned down the best booty call of my life because I have to make a cheesecake. I guess this is growing up.
I walked in..crop dusted the whole place then asked her if she wanted to go to a place that smells better.
You were always a thinker
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